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Shattered

Always things on my mind.
Never a dull moment, never in peace.
Sometimes I suddenly cry.
Then mad again, angry and with grief.
Life what happened to me.
Alone, like a stranger in a strange place.
Feeling different or indifferent.

Who am I shifting identity.
I lost myself need to cry for a dead born child inside.
Then pain and sorrow.
Tears and shame.
Stand up and go
A day goes by.
What happened to me?

Like a wave the pain comes.
Feeling the lines of cuts.
Shattered person.
Voices demanding.
What lies there in the lurking dark?
The silent corners of my mind.
A story never really told.

To much

Always things on my mind.
Never a dull moment, never in peace.
Sometimes I suddenly cry.
Then mad again, angry and with grief

Life what happened to me.
Alone, like a stranger in a strange place.
Feeling different or indifferent.
Who am I shifting identity.

I lost myself need to cry for a dead born child inside.
Then pain and sorrow.
Tears and shame.
Stand up and go.
A day goes by
What happened?

Tears not seeing

'Oh child in me with no eyes.
Could it only cry.
Always that silent pain.
Little hands.
Please help me, silently thinking.

Little child, silently in a corner.
Grownup man, alone.
Brave and vulnerable.
Emotions like waves.
Foam of madness.

 

Irreparable fractures

A life marked by.
A face with many impressions.
Cracks in existence.
Love distanced from others.
Searching for an answer in the past.
Fractures and patches in memory.
Cracks in the soul, which can't weep.
A human.
Removed of life.
A woman, a child, a mother
Who are you?

Madness

Between all the hurt and pain,
confusion and hatred I lost myself.
I survived somehow my emotional madness
in my youth but I didn't have a life.

Then at a certain time,
I went into the madness of my experiences.
I got suspicious and I heard my abusers.
in my head shouting and being abusive again.
They went in my head and said:"we are here to stay,
go fuck yourself, we own you,
Your body, mind and soul."

Then I was declared schizophrenic,
an emotional death sentence.
I started to swallow pills that didn't help.
and developed diabetes as a bonus.
I was incurable crazy,
weird not be mentioned as being abused,
tortured and raped.

No I am in my autumn of my life
and have to face my demons again
To kick them out of my head forever,
but I don't have many years now.
I tried a half off a century to be
recognized as a person with pain and hurt

They did everything except
understanding and noting.
First there was something wrong with me.
instead of my perpetrators.
Personality disorder,
fine .... but nothing changed.
Therapy was playing ping-pong.

I had to listen to what they told me to do,
shut up and act normal, don't be borderline
We are getting tired of you ... stop telling your hurt.
Act normal, we can image your parents
must have difficulty with you

I could only deny and try to go on
and smile as if nothing happened.
Why did I survive, I wanted dead.
It was enough.

I was a confused man and in doubt
of being homosexual or what.
At a certain time I became silent and thought
"Well if that's the case why bother"
"I know it too well. I seen it so many times."

I couldn't image the depth and severity
of what was lying in the corners of the lurking dark
The unconscious black-hole.
I went into the black hole of that and found what happened to me.
I was in terror and fear, frightening stories
too horrible to believe of a very young boy.

He went despaired at a young age and his sprit almost died.
I searched for help for years and years and got ignorance
I tried and tried I told them but I went silent.
The brick wall of denial,
the same emotional shut up of my offenders
The cloud of madness went away
and what I saw was a shattered person.

Finally I say hello to most of my girl-friends
who thought I was telling awful lies about my parents
Such a nice woman your mother and such a humorous man your father
What is wrong with you...........

Drawings Enny

drawing C.M.C.

Where is it the light and the peace that I seek?

Spiritual emptiness.
An unfulfilled desire that I can't name.
I always fought my less beautiful properties,
until I get tired, even exhausted.
Why couldn't I accept these sides of myself?
And poisoned myself with a lost battle?

Myself not accepting as a whole
and learn to watch myself in love.
How can I see the shadow sides sincerely,
if I just fight them?
Fighting against it or pushing it away.
Accepting all that, that can exist in a human.
is the only beginning of the road to your own heart.
An honest starting point,
An open look at the time

Layer by layer peeling off the false self,
old habits,
Stuck ideas
Everything blurring the core.
Always a little brighter,
Take myself by the hand and with love,
watch lost illusions and twisted pain.

Dare to ask myself,
What has touched me so deeply?
What has hurt me so much,
I could not love myself.
and causing to abuse me again and again,
Also when I was tall and stronger.

What is my value as a human being,
if everyone grabs what he can?
Then I could not do otherwise,
but now I can protect myself
making contact with the source,
learn to cherish my heart
and trust my inner sun.

My positive and negative sides
make me into the person I am
Of course I want to flourish
into the best version of myself,
but that will only succeed
as I recognize all aspects of myself.
 
With recognition space is created
and in that space creates movement.
Beyond the standstill, rigidity,
the fleeing, the covering
There is the joy
to be simply in life.
The destination that I never left.

 

Xandra

 

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Drawing C.M.C

Drawings C.M.C

Drawings C.M.C